I Am A Fool

I really am a fool to think I could keep up a theme for 5 whole days? I apparently only had two things to say about Halloween!  Well shit, I’m nothing if not a man of his word (people who know me in real life, don’t comment on how this is not true…i have an Internet reputation to uphold) so I’m gonna pull something Halloween related out of my ass. (It’s no big deal)

What to talk about…hrm.  How about a categorized list of bad costumes. There are lots of bad costumes, and they come in varying degrees.  So I’ll discuss those degrees, and offer up alternatives.  First up:


Naturally there are some costumes that, even in the spirit of satire, you just should not wear.  I mean, yeah, dressing up as a Nazi works if your Will Ferrell being payed loads of money to play a role in a bad remake of a classic Mel Brooks movie that became an instant classic Mel Brooks Broadway show.  However, dressing up your child as Hitler is in no way appropriate.  (unless your child is an actor in the movie Euro Trip) This goes for an historically reviled, grade A asshole.  So no Castros, Bin Ladens, or that North Korean guy thats really just ronery.  You may think your doing it satorically and everyone will find it hilarious.  But the truth is everyon is sorta half rooting you get hit by a bus on the way out of the bar.  There are no alternatives to this, because if you think any of these costumes are okay you suck gigantic donkey dick at a seedy bar in tijuana, only to go home and drown your sorrows with a steady diet of pharmaceuticals and tequila until your so hideous you can no longer even suck gigantic donkey dick (or your just dumb, one of the two)

Still, there are other levels of bad costume that aren’t unbelievably innapropriate that you just shouldn’t wear.


“Hey, remember how awesome the Dark Knight was?  Yeah, the fucking Joker ruled in that movie right?  The pencil trick where he jammed it eraser first into that dudes brain was fucking awesome. Yeah, Heath Ledger ruled so much in that movie.  Too bad it drained him so much that he died.  You know what would be awesome? Dressing up as him for Halloween! Fuck yeah, I’m so awesome like that.   Man I rule so hard at picking out costumes.”

I’d be willing to bet that that exact conversation will happen in frat houses and apparently douchey bands around the country this week.  You really think dressing up as Heath Ledger’s joker is clever.  Well its not, its stupid and played out.  The only kind of joker that anyone could possibly pull off would be to dress up as Ceaser Romero’s version of the character and carry a gigantic POW sign everwhere.

Also, dressing up as Sarah Palin is probably not going to work out well for you, regardless of your gender. “Hey, I have an American Flag bikini and a shotgun! Costume solved.” NOOOOOO! Again, there will literally be hundreds of Sarah Palins running around.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet that a Joker impregnates a Palin and breeds a horribly unnorignal child into the world.

So you wanna know some alternatives to the Sarah Palin idea? Well, if you must dress as a politcal figure you could always dress up as John McCain with his tounge stuck to a pole. If girls absolutely must rock their American Flag bikini (and I don’t discourage it) go as Wonder Woman!  Problem solved!


Anything purchased at Ricky’s.  Actually, any costume that was purchased as a costumes for that matter.  If you go around and pick up a few items to put together a costume that is totally acceptable.  But if you go out and buy a fucking costume what’s wrong with you?  Are you six?  Come one, your less original than people that actually put together a Joker costume, because at least they had to use their brain for a half a second.  When your buying a costume you’re buying an idea, and really, that’s just shortchanging your creativity.  Actually, on second thought, if you consider buying a costume to be appropriate than you don’t have any creativity, so don’t even bother trying.  Just look at a picture and buy a stupid costume you lazy bastard.

As for alternatives to buying a shitty costume?  Stay home. Read a book.  Get a good nights rest.  Your brain clearly needs some help, more than I could possibly give you.

So that just about wraps up my completely unoriginal post where I accuse people of being unoriginal.  Hows that for awesome of me?  Now I just have to come up with two more loosely Halloween related posts for the week, and I am set.


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