Archive for the pabst blue ribbon Category

…Was His Name-O

Posted in apologies for what i did drunk, bingo, drinking, no seriously...bingo, pabst blue ribbon, pbr, random on October 23, 2008 by pgleason85

Yeah, that’s right.  I played fucking Bingo last night.  I hadn’t played bingo since I was maybe 10 years old and with my grandma in the Poconos, so I was a little out of practice.  Luckily, bingo is %100 luck, so not playing in a long time didn’t hurt me.  My terrible luck did.

One thing about this form of bingo.  It was not your grandparent’s bingo.

Okay, it was exactly the same game so i guess it was your grandparent’s bingo.  The thing is, I’m pretty sure when your grandparents win bingo they don’t reach into a large bag of pornography and pick one out at random. As I mentioned before, my extremely low tolerance for luck prevented me from winning any of the terrible porn.  Which actually may have been luckier.  My friend won a game, reached in the bag, and pulled out a midget porn.  There are somethings you can’t unsee, the case for a midget porn is one of them (your humble blogger silently weeps)

The last game of the night however, the winners win a free bar tab.  It was 1am, we were getting ready for bingo to end and stumble home.  And then my friend won the free bar tab.  Naturally, rather than save the 20 dollars for another night, it was decided that a full round of PBR was on him.  Apparently we had been teetering on the edge of reason, and this round pushed us over.  So now, without further ado:

Apparently, Bingo + Porn + utter lack of responsibility = hangover.

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Welcome To Brokesville: Population Everyone Else

Posted in broke, food, fuck, oh my god we're all gonna die, omg the framework of our financial instutions just crum, pabst blue ribbon, pbr on September 29, 2008 by pgleason85

I was a Communications major in college, which means I have a low paying job with zero marketable skills to transfer into another industry.  I didn’t even take a business minor, instead senior year I took acting!  Woo.  So yeah, needless to say I’ve been going broke since graduation.  There was the 6 months of unemployment (thank god for graduation money) that drained my money, and now there’s the low paying job(s) which don’t pay enough for me to save.

I’ve gotten pretty good at being broke, in that I can eat the same exact meal for dinner for a week after spending four dollars on groceries on monday (grilled cheese? yes please)  Alas, many of my friends from college have not spent the last year honing their broke skills.  They were smart and got jobs in finance and on Wall Street, things of that nature.  Unfortunately for them, everyone that got there before them really fucked shit up beyond all recognition (FUBAR!!)  So now, for some, they find themselves out of work and struggling to exist in this broke state.  Well I’ve decided to put together a handy guide for them to use as reference.  I am going to translate the not broke life style to its broke counterpart.

First up, naturally, ALCOHOL!

Many of my formerly non-broke friends hear the term beer and think of this:

Unfortunately, you’re broke now so that above picture is no longer beer.  I mean, you can drink that beer if you get it from a store i GUESS, but in the bar that isn’t beer.  You know what beer means now? This:

Yup, that is what you have to order at the bar now, because it is the only beer you can afford to drink 15 of to drown your broken sorrows.  There are other choices, like the “house” beer which is really just a leftover keg of some long defunct microbrew, but whatever, at seven bucks a pitcher you can’t be beat. Also, you can’t go to the bars you used to go to, the only bars that are now allowable look like they haven’t been updated since 1983, also, if they have a giant pig standing outside, it’s probably a good place to drink cheap.

As far as mixed drinks go, your spirit of choice can not have a proper noun. For example, your Jack & Coke should now be ordered as a “Whiskey” and Coke.  Grey Goose and Tonic is now vodka tonic.

“What about bottle service?” you ask.  Well broke people have bottle service too, but its not when you spend upwards of 500 dollars on a 20 dollar bottle of vodka.  No, broke bottle service invovles sneaking a flask into a bar and spiking your drinks in the bathroom.  (note: this also works at restaurants and social functions with a cash bar).

So now that you know how to drink, you should probably learn how to eat.

Well lets start with dinner, remember dinner:

Yeah, now dinner looks less frequently like that. Usually dinner resembles this:

or this

Those are both wonderfully awesome dinners, but they may take some getting used to.  Also, you can’t take “clients” out and “expense” awesome steak dinners anymore, sorry about that.

Lunch is also important too.  If i were you, i’d memorize this jingle, cause you’ll be thinking about it a lot in the coming weeks:

You could also make your own lunch and bring it in, but I am SUPREMELY lazy so I can be of no assistance in that category.  I apologize profusely for that.

One last category i will cover is vacations.  Look, i know you’re smart and hard working, so you’ll wind up with a new job soon.  This job will probably come with vacation days, much like your last one.  Unfortunately, this job probably won’t pay so great.  So your vacations will look less like this:

and much more like this:

Welp, have fun adjusting to your new life.  If you need any pointers don’t hesitate to ask, and I look forward to hanging out with you down the jersey shore next summer.  I’ll be the one who is still going on vacation with my parents.

I’m Just Gonna Hit The Keys And Hope Something Comes Out

Posted in college humor, funny, pabst blue ribbon, pbr, random, sports, videos on August 21, 2008 by pgleason85

I had a really good idea for a post on the subway home yesterday. I remember thinking “damn, thats a good idea.”  I even had a pad handy to write the idea down.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have a pen, so now i have to convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.  In its place, random shit!

Is it a sign that I’ve watched too much South Park when I knew all the 5 Things You Didn’t Know About South Park?  Like, that was it?  I knew every single one of those facts and then some. If you’re going to tell me i don’t know something you best be prepared to back it up Ask Men!

After watching the below video over and over I was trying to decide if I would engage in fisticuffs with any athlete at the Summer Olympics.  Answer: nope.

Speaking of the olympics, now that swimming is over I feel kinda done with it.  Also, is it a bad sign that watching people sprint around a track actually tire me out?  I’m thinking “yes” but i’m not so sure yet, i need a ruling.

I’m going to see College Humor Live tonight, and despite not being in college, i still read the site almost daily.  Much like I did right before I went to college.  In fact, I think the only time of the site’s existence that i didn’t go to every day for was my four years of college.  What does that say about me?  Well whatever it says about me, i’m still excited to see the awkward rap live! (not to mention Jon Mulaney, although I think that was just a mention)

I like events at the UCB theater.  Cause they’re only five bucks and PBR’s are like 2 bucks.  So you can have a good night with like 18 bucks!  This should be fun.  I didn’t have high hopes of convincing anyone else to go with me, so I’m just gonna go alone and hope for the best.

Happy Mon…oh wait…Thats Not Happy At All

Posted in drinking, impromptu trips, its always sunny in philadelphia, pabst blue ribbon, pbr, random on July 28, 2008 by pgleason85

Another week begins, which means before I know it is going to be the weekend, which means its going to be August, which means I’m going to have to ask where the hell the time is going, which will get everyone depressed, which will lead to drinking, which will lead to what will turn out to be a pretty fun party. Repeat as necessary.

So my impromptu trip to Philly was a great success. I didn’t really go to the city of Philadelphia per say, more I went to my friend’s place that just so happens to be in Philly. I didn’t see any sights, but I did eat a Philly Cheesesteak, which was nice. Philly is much cheaper than New York. Its really nice to get completely forget what the hell happened for half the night, wake up and check your wallet to find actual money. That doesn’t happen up here a lot.

We went to this place, which was a cool place to be. Anything that charges this for this is A-OK in my book. It also cool because instead of sitting at a table, we were sitting at a Piano. And they had crayons to color all over the place is. If your ever at that place and you see a drunkenly scrawled PAT on the piano, that was me. Also, amazing jukebox. I mean, i know the digital jukeboxes with literally everything ever are sorta commonplace now, but it was nice to see a non-digital one with a ton of good stuff on it. Plus, we did shots! Things get hazy and I may have woken up at 4am sitting on my friends couch, somewhat unclear as to where I was, but all in all, good trip.

And, as you may or may not know, I’m currently obsessed with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, so here’s this:

Oh yeah, the beard poll! Results are in, 5-3 for not shaving, which is less work for me, woo hoo! Subway Gal wins bragging rights for eternity. Also, two people want me to grow a Jesus beard.

(oh yeah, The Bolt Bus = awesome)

Oh Yeah

Posted in drinking, fridays, how i met your mother, pabst blue ribbon, pbr, videos, wayne brady on June 6, 2008 by pgleason85

It’s friday!

You know what that means, it means i’m gonna go out and have a sane time. Wait, thats not right. I’m gonna have a crazy time. My little younger (he is most certainly no longer little) brother is coming to the city tonight. We have plans to go to the Belmont Stakes tomorrow, but hopefully the 90 degree heat will deter him from going and we can drink outdoors in a more enjoyable setting.

But we’ll deal with that tomorrow. Until then:

Well That Was Fun

Posted in apologies for what i did drunk, drinking, my birthday, pabst blue ribbon, pbr, random on June 2, 2008 by pgleason85

So wanna hear a blow by blow account from my birthday on friday?

I certainly would.  Yeah, I don’t totally remember everything, but I think I got the gist.  But in all seriousness it was very fun, everyone seemed to have a great time, even my friend who would go on to lose her license, credit card, and cellphone (although the former two were recovered, and the latter was accounted for in that she found a piece of it in her bag…oops).

Many shots were poured, as well as beers (they had PBR on tap…fucking sweet!) and I seem to remember someone buying me a cosmo because they are hilarious.  Actually, i’m not sure if that actually happened.  One of my memories is someone saying they were going to buy me a cosmo, but I don’t know if they did it.

It actually seems a lot worse than it really was.  I remember everyone who came and most of the night, I just lost all the different conversations I had.  That was just as much a product of having 100 different conversations as it all the drinking (end rationalization).

And as for skee ball, my scores went progressively downward as the night moved forward, which was to be expected.  Apparently I’m not that good at the game drunk.

Now its back to the real world where I have to sit at my desk all day, bored, surfing the internet looking for something amusing to send around to my coworkers/friends and post here.

It’s (almost) Time to PARTY

Posted in drinking, friday, my birthday, pabst blue ribbon, patton oswalt, pbr on May 30, 2008 by pgleason85

So tonight should be fun, seeing as it is my birthday and all. As I’ve mentioned, I decided I wanted to go to this bar soley because they have this game:

It should be fun. I wonder if I’m good at Skee-Ball drunk. I actually heard that this bar had this game back in like February, and thats when I decided I had to go there. I haven’t actually been yet, so i hope it doesn’t suck.

And screw Patton Oswalt, I’m celebrating this birthday dammit. Although this bit is hilarious:

It’s weird, I usually don’t get very birthday crazy either. Like, I don’t want people to sing to me at the office, or get anything special. I just like it when I go out with a large group of people, and I can swing that tonight, which is nice. Plus, I get to say at bars with things like PBR, which is a plus.

I would go off on a tirade about Sex And the City and what not, but I just plain don’t care. If it was any other weekend I don’t think this movie would show up on my radar. But whatever. If you’re out tonight, take a shot in my name!

(I just want everyone to read the wikipedia page for Skee-Ball, because it’s awesome)